God Is Looking Pretty Rough This Holiday Season

According to the Morning Call, a Pennsylvania  man, allegedly high on methamphetamine, claimed he was God and attempted to rob a liquor store and a   7-11 on Christmas Day. What really upsets me about this story, is the fact that there are liquor stores open on Christmas, when I had to drive to 5 different gas stations to find one open for me to buy some beer.

Anyway, that wasn’t God’s only run-in with the police this week. According to Local10.com, a woman, also claiming she was God, was arrested in Florida (believe it or not)  on December 26th, for stealing a package from a mail truck and attempted to escape on a tricycle. She  said that she was God and voices were telling her to do things.

You know what? I think I might believe her. The way I see it, either these 2 fine citizens have the same meth supplier, or just maybe God is having a rough time during his son’s birthday after he was brutally murdered only 2018 years ago. Maybe God just wanted to have a glass of eggnog and pour out some on the curb in honor of his murdered son. Who are we to deny him that? Is it worth a few bottles of liquor to avoid eternal damnation for pissing off God? I would think so. You can never be to careful. As for the alleged Florida incident, is it so hard to believe that the voices she was hearing were prayers? Maybe prayers that the alleged stolen package  get delivered ASAP? Who the hell do these police think they are? Interfering with God’s plan isn’t cool! Orrrr maybe these two are just fucking nuts. We don’t know, but tonight when you say your bedtime prayers, instead of asking God to help you, maybe you should ask God how God is doing. It couldn’t hurt.




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